Keepin' it real...

Jave messed up...she allowed me to post on her blog. Muah, ha, ha, ha!!!

Anyway, her previous two posts were very informative but I'm going to give you a different perspective- all the nitty, gritty details about how the process has been on us, physically, emotionally, and financially, because really, that's the fun part, isn't it? ;)

First, I'd like to say how strange I think it is that no one ever talks about infertility issues. Us being gay, we knew we were going to need some help, so it's not a big deal, but, when 1 in 8 straight couples have infertility issues and no one is talking about it, I suspect it can make you feel isolated and closeted. We've had straight friends who are going through infertility issues and I just feel so bad for them; they feel like they've "failed" or there is some character judgment on them because they can't conceive. I think it's ridiculous that we can't talk about it, as ridiculous as how shrouded we are about miscarriages. I think it's a huge disservice to people when we can't be honest about the serious and heartbreaking journeys we sometimes have to take when dealing with having a child. Anyway, off my soapbox, but I had to put it out there...

We were pretty naive when we started. We thought I'd get knocked up pretty quickly, because I'm just so annoyingly regular. It's an interesting phenomenon, this whole fertility process. When it's happening to you, it is so real and emotional and taxing but, when you are on the other end, not going through the treatment, you can be more detached. We've struggled with that at times- when I was struggling with going through the process, it wasn't as big of a deal to Jave, and vice versa. So, when I couldn't conceive, I felt like a failure. Generally, I can be stubborn enough to eventually get things right but, in this case, there was nothing I could do. It was a bitter pill to swallow and I have to say that I was glad that Jave took over trying. I was tired of feeling like I was letting both of us down. Rationally, I know that makes no sense, but that's how it feels, when you try and try and nothing! For no apparent reason! I know Jave went through the same thing when it was her turn.

Let me tell you, it's been an emotional rollarcoaster! At first, we were telling our friends/family when we were inseminating but each "negative" was emotionally jarring and hard to communicate to people who didn't quite understand the process, or know what to think or say; it just made it easier to not mention it. When you inseminate, you get this feeling of "This is our time!", then you have the dreaded two week wait. During this time, you are analyzing every single potential twinge and ache you are having in your abdomen and reading into everything. Incidentally, the symptoms of PMS are very similar to the symptoms of early pregnancy. So, we would get our hopes up then, right before the end of the two week wait, we would usually test around day 10. Negative. Then we would think "Well, maybe we are testing too early." Test on day 11, negative. Test on day 12, negative. Not wanting to get another negative because it's so heartbreaking, we would wait until the period arrived and we could put closure on another emotional rollarcoaster. And this is how it progressed, every single time. So, although it was isolating to keep it to ourselves when we tried, sometimes it was easier because we didn't have to re-live the negatives to a bunch of different people. So, that's the crappy emotional part of this process.

It's also been a financial battle for us so, if we seem a little frugal, that's why. Oh, and I'm normally a cheap skate :) I'll give you a run down of our costs for a typical IUI at the doc's:

Sperm: $690
Shipping: $180
Ultrasound monitoring: 2x$200
Insemination: $400

So we are talking about ~$,1600 every time we tried...and our insurance covers nothing. This doesn't include the meds, trigger shot, ovulation predictor kits, or pregnancy tests. Let me tell you, I went into the wrong profession. I should have either opened a sperm bank or become a reproductive endocrinologist. Anyway, this was a struggle as well- we had been saving for quite some time before we even started, so that helped. But, towards the end, we would have to save up, which meant we couldn't try for a few months, then we would have enough to do one cycle, and on it went. Fun, fun, fun!

Although there are the emotional and financial difficulties, I have to say that I'm proud of us. First, we haven't gone into debt doing this. I'm on a FB group where some people have taken out credit card after credit card to pay for treatment. Before we started with IVF, we had paid up front for everything...no debt. Also, I'm so thankful to have Jave as a partner. I can't imagine going through the emotional crap with anyone else. She's my rock when I need her, and I'm there for her when she needs me. I really think this has made our relationship stronger and I have faith that this experience has taught us quite a bit. Finally, any child that eventually comes to be will know that they were wanted, were definitely no accident, and that they were made with love...and a lot of science!

 

Cheers!

Lara