Half Way Point - Baby Update

It's  been a while since I've last updated! I just wanted to share what's going on with pregnancy and the baby.

We decided to deliver in State College, PA which is about 45 minutes from our house. The primary reason was because the hospital in Altoona wouldn't take patients until mid-October, but the other is because the hospital in State College have delivered babies to same sex couples. It doesn't seem like a big deal because a competent doctor should be sufficient, but it makes all the difference in bedside manner and how they address Lara or me. Mount Nittany Regional Medical Center is a group run for the ob/gyn services. Because we won't know which doctor will be there when we deliver, we are seeing all the doctors at our various visits. Nothing of note so far - nice people, succinct, and thorough. Here is a picture of our first ultrasound from our regular Ob/Gyn:

The baby was 11 weeks and 6 days - check out those feet. This is the same picture we used on our FB announcement of our pregnancy:

We had our main/major ultrasound last week, when we were at 20 weeks and 1 day. The baby is doing fantastic! Heart rate around 138 bpm, and everything about the baby's size is at the 50th percentile =D The ultrasound tech knew right away what the baby's sex is, but we told her to write it on the ultrasound and put it in an envelope. We are sending that envelope to Mel or Nalleli (???) and asking either to bring said envelope to a bakery where they can make a cake either filled with blue or pink, based on what the results are. We'll cut into the cake at the baby shower to reveal the baby's sex. I'm pretty confident it's a girl, but Lara has such high hopes for a boy. Sigh, I think either way we're happy as pie that the baby is doing so well.

Here is the 20 weeks 1 day ultrasound photos. The baby is saying 'HELLO!'

Seeing the baby's little hands, nose (very distinguished Filipino nose from what we can tell ;)), and lips...oh, it made us giddy. S/he is also very active! At the time, s/he had her head against my placenta and kept stretching out her legs...she's got formidable calves! It was so cool to see! I wish we could have a shared a little video of that session, but alas...

A few days later, we had to go to a fetal echocardiogram. This is something recommended for babies conceived via IVF, but our Ob and our RE said they didn't think it was really necessary; however, they are supposed to recommend a fetal echocardiogram to scan for congenital heart disease issues. We get there, and the fetus was having none of it. S/he does not want to be seen on an ultrasound that day; s/he kept putting his/her spine in the way of the transducer. After 10-15 minutes of trying and the doctor bearing down on my belly and moving me around to try and reposition the baby, he decided to reschedule. It was pretty funny; right before he quit trying, he got one good look at the baby's heart, and as he's about to take a shot of it, the baby just turns and puts his/her spine in the way. Ha, stubborn butt! Generally though, he said the heart looked fine (chambers, heartbeat, no issues noted) for what he saw, but we still have to reschedule to get all the view shots he wanted. This is a video Lara captured of our fetal echocardiogram session. In it, you can see the blood moving through the ventricles and out (blue and red flashes) and the heartbeat at the end:

So, we are very in love this this little person we have not yet met. We spend most nights talking to him/her and playing different music or Lara will read a short story; it's crazy to just be so enamored and protective with someone you have never met. I still can't get over that. All is good with us and baby!

Second Ultrasound

Getting our second ultrasound was a pain! We didn't want to go through the Pittsburgh clinic because they couldn't schedule an appointment for me until the 2nd week of September, they were not friendly, the environment was sterile, but mostly because they are 2 hours away from where we live (not good on a work day). So, I made phone calls around Altoona for nearly half a day, trying to find anyone who does early transvaginal ultrasounds at 9 weeks. It was hard to find someone, but thank goodness for Conemaugh Health and Dr. Khouzami. Apparently, he is the only doctor in the central Pennsylvania area that deals with high risk pregnancies. Because of this, he was able to do our ultrasound. His office is located in Johnstown, and it's about 1 hour away from Altoona.

This second ultrasound was a big deal to us - we get to see the baby T-Rex again (Lara has me calling it that now too =T), we get to hear the heartbeat, and depending on the the results sent to our reproductive clinic in Reno (NCRM) of this ultrasound, I could get taken off the majority of my medications. As of Wednesday, I was on a prenatal, baby aspirin, 2000 mg of Metformin, a progesterone suppository at night, and taking an intramuscular injection of progesterone in oil every morning since July 9. For the injections, I alternate between hips, and they are very bruised. Lara gives me the injection every morning, and she feels around in three spots everyday to find the least painful spot to inject. It sounds awful, but it's not so awful when she does it and I'm playing Candy Crush ;) Lara's the best for me in everything. Love my lady!

Anyway, we get there on time and its raining buckets (mercy buckets for Amanda). We make our way up to the office, and the office receptionist reminds me so much of the receptionist at NCRM that I want to give her a hug. She was very warm and cheerful! We wait around, watch the Today Show a bit, and I get called in. The nurse or X-ray tech (not sure which) was also very friendly...score! We did the usual - get undressed from the waist down, cover with disposable sheet, get in the stirrups, and scoot all the way down. She wouldn't let Lara take video or photos :( But here's a few pictures from our sonograms:

 This is a picture of the sonogram for our baby at 9 weeks and 6 days. The arm and leg buds are much more pronounced and s/he looks really like a baby!!! We even saw the umbilical cord. She got the audio of the heartbeat immediately, and the baby's heart was racing. Truly like horses galloping...it made me giddy!

This picture actually shows a front view of our fetus. Ha, placenta in your face! That's the big protrusion on the right. This was THE COOLEST MOMENT of the ultrasound. If you can see the arm buds in the photo, imagine both of them moving around like crazy. Our baby was moving around like crazy. Apparently, like Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Ray Dalton...the ceiling can't hold our baby either ;)

Stats: Fetus is 9 weeks and 6 days; 3.06 cm long from crown to rump (1.2"); heart rate at 178 bpm

NCRM received the report of the ultrasound the same day, and told me that the baby was perfectly on target for size and heart rate. Also, the placenta was formed well enough that I could stop progesterone cold turkey =D I'm also off the baby aspirin too, so now all I have to take is the Metformin until my regular OB takes me off it and the prenatal vitamin until I stop breast feeding.

I'm so happy that Lara and I could have this miracle baby, and we thank science and the amazing people at NCRM for helping us build a family. Stay tuned for more baby updates!

Oh, I just thought about it...my mom, sister, and dad call/text incessantly and ask how I'm feeling...so why not share it with everyone.

This baby is LEGIT! Seriously, this pregnancy has been ideal. No morning sickness unless I don't eat within an hour of waking up, lethargy passed in the first 4 weeks of pregnancy, and these are my notable symptoms:

emotional (probably worse on Lara than it is on me :( - I did say she was amazing, right?)

The baby doesn't like to entertain my diverse eating habits (no to Indian, Chinese, Mexican, etc.) which leads to the last of Pepto Bismol's maladies

Gaseous - both ways. ew. I'm like a  troll. Lara and I like to point out how sexy this symptom is...

Heartburn - try not to eat huge meals (boo) or consume onions, tomatoes, and other foods in excess that cause me to eat Tums like candy

Jave Update

Anyone ever see the movie Runaway Bride? When Julia Roberts character responds to Richard Gere's character's column about her, her salutation was: Greetings from the sticks...
I feel this greeting is applicable to me, so...

Greetings from the sticks. Today marks one month of living in Altoona, PA. It has not been easy for me or Lara. I haven't really updated much because of that. The adjustment has been particularly hard for me since I feel entirely without purpose - no job, no family or friends nearby, Lara works all day long, and I have a constant feeling of not being safe and being quite foreign here, despite the demographics and beliefs of many in this town are very similar to that in Reno. The stark difference is that this city is in decline - declaring financial distress last year, closing 2 elementary schools because of enrollment decline and financial issues, locals are poorly educated and struggling in a decades past thriving railroad city, significantly aged/aging population that cannot afford to maintain a blue collar living is driving the city's largest industry - healthcare. Are you getting the picture of what this place is like? It actually looks visibly like this place is at a breaking point and continuing to degrade. The best thing about Altoona, PA is the campus - it's beautiful (very beautiful), the students are quite diverse in makeup and degree pursuits, and the faculty are equally as diverse, amazing, etc. But, keep in mind that the Altoona campus is the size of TMCC or the main CSN campus - not a large area for respite. All this is made more difficult in knowing Pittsburgh is literally 2 hours away, and that's the closest city to us driving the speed limit average of 55mph. The next best thing is the main campus city State College, PA, about 40 mins away. Living there is 2x more expensive than Altoona, and right now, I don't have a job to make that affordable. So no, despite the cheap cost of living and Lara having great colleagues and an awesome job, the adjustment is still very difficult for both of us.

I suppose I never realized how deep my roots were planted in Reno, and how much I loved living the life I was leading. The stark difference between how I felt 30 days ago to how I feel now are like looking inside two different people. I think in doing the daily grind and following our habits, we tend to go on autopilot. I was on autopilot - work, friends, gym or karate, home, repeat. Sprinkle in some dates and vacations with a heavy dash of visits to the reproductive clinic and that was our life. Being removed from everything familiar, I feel like I'm having to look at my life under a microscope - who am I really, and what am I about. Questions like what do I need in my life - Lara, a satisfying job, and surroundings (community activities, job opportunities, family, friends, etc). But needing and the ability to control/attain those needs do not go hand in hand. I'm starting to wonder: Can you have it all? Can you find happiness in everything or do we make the best of what we have available to us? Are there people who really have it all?! Miley Cyrus?

Despite not feeling great about the move, I still manage to cope. Each week is much more bearable than the last. I think in making 2 new friends over the last few weeks has helped, along with starting the part time teaching gig this week on the Altoona campus. Keeping busy and viewing Altoona through the lens of someone else besides me has been helpful, despite their lens' pretty much viewing the same thing I do (misery loves...to commiserate?). Day by day, I feel like I'm clawing my way back to feeling like myself - someone who appreciates the life they lead, and doesn't feel lonely, lost, or hopeless. At the close of my day, there is always a silver lining. I haven't had one outside of my ultrasounds in nearly a month until...

Yesterday.  While it was nice to have lunch (a decent one - good food is sparse here) with a colleague James and get a detailed tour of the area, I would have preferred Lara to be there to see some better neighborhoods in the area and to try one of the 3 decent food places in town. My silver lining revealed itself  on a dog walk with Lara around 9pm last night. It was so humid and hot last night, we needed to get out; plus, the dogs need a walk since we don't have a yard for them to play in. On our walk, it was quiet for once (we live on a main road with heavy traffic), everyone was turning or had turned in already, and all we could hear was the sound of frogs and grasshoppers; we could feel a thick but cool breeze. Kona was off sniffing at the grass, Herc on a leash wagging his tail as we ambled on. I was holding Lara's hand, the stars were out, and briefly, I felt better than just OK. Maybe there is more of that to come...I hope!

Happy Labor Day weekend! Everyone enjoy some good food, company of friends and family, and hopefully decent weather.

The First Ultrasound

This week we had our first ultrasound @  7 weeks 6 days! Being the first, it was the most nerve wracking for me. We did hcg blood level tests which were rising as expected, but we haven't done any testing or monitoring since right before we left Reno. The gaps in testing were hard because I'm so used to getting looked at so often, and well, it's our first pregnancy. My worries were something like this: Am I really pregnant or do I have a blighted ovum? If I am pregnant, am  I going to miscarry because of the stress and upset of all the things wrapped up in moving and not having a full time job? I would cycle back and forth with these thoughts all week leading up to our appointment. It was HARD to keep my mind quiet. I'm very happy to say, my concerns were put to rest after our ultrasound.

To give you a sense of my irrationality and nervousness, I was so upset at one point in waiting that I did another pregnancy test - knowing it wouldn't tell me if I was miscarrying. I'm not sure why I did it, knowing that. I just felt like I needed to do something...It did make me feel better that the test line was significantly darker than the control line.

Anyway, the protocol for NCRM is to do an ultrasound at 7 weeks and another one at 9 weeks before releasing patients to a regular OB. The Reproductive Health Specialists in Pittsburgh couldn't fit us in right at 7 weeks, so we had a little delay.  When we arrived at our appointment, Lara and I were a little uncomfortable. Anyone who has gone to a fertility specialist for a while will tell you, you get comfortable with the staff. We  saw the NCRM group at least once a week the last few months prior to leaving. Before we left, we actually stopped by to say goodbye to them - we really love NCRM. After all, they did help us achieve the miracle of having a family. Beyond the staff, the vibe there was always good too - comfy couches, skylit lobby, Norah Jones music playing, and endless shortbread cookies with tea and coffee on hand. Ugh, I miss our RE's office! Sorry about the tangent...at the PA RE, it was a little sterile, absolute silence (no music, chatter, etc) and I felt like a Roomba being ushered in and out of rooms. It was hard, but they don't have a personal rapport with us and neither do we with them.  I paint this picture so you get the feel of what we were feeling about our surroundings - compounded with our nerves and excitement - waiting to get our ultrasound.

We finally get ushered back with an ultrasound tech to a huge room where I did the usual undress below the waist, wrap the disposable sheet around my waist, sit on the table, get my feet in the stirrups, and scoot all the way down to the edge of the table. Interesting, I had a transvaginal ultrasound, and the lady let me put the wand in myself, which I've never done before. I think I prefer someone else doing it; it was...weird. Anyway, we are watching the monitor wide eyed. I know Lara's so focused on that monitor because she didn't even have her camera out of the bag yet!  And then, with just one picture, the ultrasound tech gave us the best news and relief ever!

Isn't the little gummy bear (Mel), peanut (Kim), T Rex (Lara =D), mini Mo (me) the cutest thing ever? It's crazy to love someone so much that you haven't even met. Lara and I both cheesed out with huge smiles and gave each other that knowing look that 'this is really happening'. I felt instant love, and instant responsibility - to make this baby's life the best possible, to put his/her happiness before mine, and to share with and protect him/her from all the amazing things this world has to offer. It is such a crazy and unexplainable feeling.

On the photo, the red circle is the heart, the blue the head, and the green the arm and leg buds =D

We got the approximate length of the baby 15mm (little more than 1/2"), and we got to see the heartbeat with this motion video technology. You can see what we saw in the video below. It's still a few weeks too early to hear a heartbeat, but they can capture the motion changes and measure the heart rate that way. I looked up the average heart rate is about 170 bpm, and our baby's is 173 bpm :) Right on track!

Just wanted to share the good news with everyone! We're waiting now to see if we need to do a second ultrasound before being released to an OB or do we just go straight to the OB. Either way, we're doing great and trucking along :)

Lara here: I'm in love with that little T-rex! It's a crazy feeling :)

Update In Transit

Saturday the 27th, we left Reno around noon for the long trek to PA. We left a lot later than we thought, due to issues with shipping Lara's car. One quick lesson we learned, there are only a handful of reputable auto transport companies, and there are an abundance of those that yank your chain!

The three days on the road were. very. very. long. Each day was about 10-12 hours long of driving and making pit stops for gas, letting the dogs out to stretch their legs, and to eat. We stayed 2 different nights are La Quintas, since they take dogs in for free, have free WiFi, and have a breakfast to boot. A big win for our family! We made nightly stops in Rock Springs, WY and Omaha, NE. On the third day, we went off route to check out the Spam Museum in Austin, MN.

It was a lot to go out of our way to see it, but Lara was adamant about going. I think it's because she knows how much Spam played into my past. Most impressions of Spam are negative, but if you are/were from Hawaii, having Spam in the pantry is like having bananas or bread on hand. Lara wanted to make sure I saw the Spam museum and it was a blast :) There are 10 flavors of Spam - 3 I've had most my life, 1 I have no desire to eat (I've never liked bacon or bacon flavored anything), 2 a co-worker bought for me as a going away gift, 1 I sampled at the museum, and the rest we bought to try out :)

Eventually, we made it to Dekalb, IL, where Lara's mom's farm is located. We slept about 11 hours the first night we got here. Exhausted. Hercule (our old dog) slept a day and a half. We spent the yesterday doing errands, and then I had a car issue pop up. The car was having a difficult time starting the whole trip here; we got an oil change here in Dekalb, and they said a cell in the battery was dead. After a $150 (lame) battery replacement, the car seemed OK....for about 10 minutes. Then, a new issue popped up, forcing us to cancel our Chicago plans (check out Sears tower, Gino's East Pizza, a water tour of Chicago buildings, a trip to the Field Museum, but most importantly, seeing my good friend getting his MD/PhD in Champaign, Cerj). Back to the car - it would stall every time we put the car in gear (reverse or drive). After panicking and checking out the Suzuki forums, we decided to clean out the mass air sensor and to replace the air filter. We couldn't do it until this morning. After we did that, the car was fine. a $10 fix! What a relief!

Lara and her mom tried to make my birthday as special as they could with Chicago being cancelled. We had pizza from a place I wanted to try - Gino's East - with candles! We also saw two movies and had apple pie with ice cream to top it off.

Our last day on the road was a blur. We got to Altoona Thursday night, and stopped by a Walmart to buy a rug and two long pool floaties on the cheap because we forgot our air mattress for the first night in Altoona. We didn't want to spend money on a hotel because of the cost setbacks with my car. Oh my God, that was the worst sleep I've had ever. We still laugh about it when we think about it. We used our bath towels as blankets!

Next day, we had movers help us move into the house. It took 3 hours for them to get all the stuff out of the truck, and now we're spending all weekend unpacking. Lots of unpacking, and a lot of boxes are going to the attic. Most of our boxes were comprised of books...so many friggin' books! Those are going into the attic until we have a permanent place. No way am I packing those things up again in a year or so just to move and unpack them again.

Yesterday it hit us how homesick we were. I miss everything about Reno - not just our friends, because that is a given. I missed our creature comforts too - our drafty old rental house, the guys at work, my reproductive endocrinologist and the staff, my gym, etc. I'm not sure if pregnancy played into it, but I spent have of the latter day just crying off and on for no reason. It's like it just hit me all at once; we're somewhere new and we have to start all over. Square 1. I'm really glad I had Candy Crush to keep me distracted from my thoughts and text chats with a couple of good friends last night.

Today was better, not great, but I find myself feeling better as the house gets unpacked and as we explored the area more. I also talked to my sister, who isn't the most positive or optimistic person, but getting out everything I'm feeling in a raw way really helped me get the last bit of 'woe is me; where the hell am I?' out of my system. I'm certain I'll cycle back and forth for a while until we've really come into our own here. Altoona will never be like Reno, just like Reno was never Las Vegas. But, I'm determined as hell to make this place feel like home.

Photos of the house to come when it doesn't look like, as my mom says, 'a typhoon was in [my house]'. =D

Umm, yeah, well...

Lara here. Okay, that last post was dramatic but it was how I was feeling, so I have to let it stand. I wanted to give you all an update though.

We took a home pregnancy test on Monday, July 15th and it was negative. Considering all the other negative things that happened during this cycle, I had little hope for the official blood test on Wednesday. Fast forward to Wednesday, after two days of being upset and trying to come to terms with this IVF being a failure. JL did the blood test and our awesome nurse, Paula, called her in the afternoon. Apparently one (or maybe both) of our little embryos pulled through and implanted!!! JL's hCG (the hormone given off by an implanted embryo) was at 79.9!!! Basically, anything over 5 is a positive pregnancy. I was in utter shock- a seriously surreal moment. Actually, three days later, it is still surreal. I actually spoke with Paula that day and she said "Congratulations!" and I said "On what?", even after she had told me it was positive. I think it's just been two years of negative test after negative test and to hear that it's finally positive, considering that the odds were against us, went right over my head. It just didn't really register. The next morning, JL took another home pregnancy test and it showed up positive! That was just weird. We have tested probably 20 times in the past two years, always squinting at the results, wanting desperately to see that second line, and never seeing it, and then this test was just "Bam!", no ambiguity, it was definitely positive.

At this point, however, we were still reserved. The second blood test will show whether it's a chemical pregnancy, basically meaning a very early miscarriage (if you can even call it that 2 weeks in). The second blood test occurs 48 hours after the first blood test. If the numbers double, than you are still pregnant. Today was the second test. JL left around 6am to get it done so we could get the number ASAP. Another nurse just called and said our number was 273!!! It tripled!!! Holy sh*t!!!!!!!!!

We are still not out of the woods though. The rate of miscarriage doesn't go down until hCG reaches 3000. The number is supposed to double every 72 hours now, so hopefully we'll reach that number in the next few weeks. I think we are both excited but still reserved about it. It's like it's too good to be true. Actually, I probably won't feel comfortable until about 6 months in, so, in the mean time, I keep talking to JL's belly, telling our little embryo(s) to hang in there. It's just crazy how desperately we both want this.

We debated on saying anything to anyone but, since all of you have been along for the ride, via this blog or otherwise, we though it would be crappy if we didn't say anything. We are so happy to have this turn around and want you all to share in that. Keep us (and our little embryo) in your thoughts and let's hope for a healthy little one 9 months from now!

Here's our official digital home pregnancy test from today!!!

Road to nowhere...

Hey, it's Lara. We haven't posted in a while because it's just been bad news after bad news and it's difficult to talk about. After all the crap with figuring out the stims, we went to retrieval and the doc asperated 11 follicles, 7 were mature, and 5 actually fertilized. I think that's where we left off. We had hope for our 5 fertilized embryos and were hoping they would all hold on. Five days after retrieval came transfer, where they put the embryos back in. The embryologist doesn't look at the embryos after day 3, until you come into the office for transfer on day 5. Then, after you know how the embryos look, you can decide which ones and how many to transfer. Well, we walked in the office with high hopes, then sat down at the doc's desk. I glanced at the paperwork and immediately noticed (and said) that at least two of our embryos looked like shit from the day 3 photos. Come to find out, only 4 embryos made it to day 3. They looked something like this...in fact, our day 3 pics looked almost exactly like this pic I found online:

 

The ones on the right are pretty decent for day 3- equally sized cells. The ones on the left are really fragmented (as a result of unequal cellular division) and will probably die off. And this was at day 3. Our day 5 pics contained the official bad news- we only had two embryos left and they weren't of great quality. On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the best, ours were graded a 2 and a 3. They are supposed to look like the bottom pic on the right at day 5:

 

Our two embryos looked like the one in the middle row, on the right...more like a 3.5-4 day embryo. Not good, at all. There was no decision to be made, as we had to put both of the crappy embryos in for transfer. The others they were going to leave until day 6 and see if they survived (unlikely). At this point, I was really torn up about it. I pretty much started grieving as soon as I saw the pictures of our embryos. I also have to say that I wasn't a very good partner during transfer...I alternated between being mad and crying. It wasn't a good time, for sure. I'm just glad they had given JL a valium to relax her and she slept after they transferred the embryos.

The actual process of transfer involved the embryologist, who we hadn't met until that day. His lab was right across from our room, so he could fetch the embryos and the doc could transfer them immediately. He had the embryos in some sort of medium and he had to suck them up into a flexible cathedar, under the microscope. First, he sucked up an air bubble, then the two embryos, then another air bubble. By doing so, the doc can know that he has transferred both embryos if he can see both air bubbles under the sonogram. Of course I had to take pics:

Embryologist sucking up our embryos

 

Sonogram during transfer. The green arrows indicate the air bubbles. The embryos are somewhere in between.

 

So, needless to say, I left the transfer being pretty upset about everything- how emotionally taxing this has been the past two years, how we hung our last bit of hope on IVF, and how it probably wasn't going to turn into anything except another negative and another monthly bill with nothing to show for it. Not to mention all the drugs JL had to put into her body, how she put her body through hell for this:

75 vials of injectables. Four vials, twice a day.

 

So, fast forward another week. We received a letter yesterday that we had zero embryos to freeze. Not surprising but I think this was the point where it really hit JL hard. Then, we did a home pregnancy test this morning and it was negative. JL has to go in for an official blood test on Wednesday and on Friday. I just want to get this shit over with so we can move forward. The bad news just never stops. It's like you have this huge chunk of hope and every day something chips away at it. I barely have any hope now and the blood test will be the sledge hammer that obliterates that last little sliver.

 

I can't speak for JL, but I can say that, as of right now, I'm pretty jaded. I'm generally not an angry person, but everything is irritating and makes me angry. I don't know...I hope some psychological space between us and this process of trying to get pregnant will help things. It's hard to look forward because there are so many questions. Why can't we get pregnant? What are we doing wrong? Could we have done anything else? Should we switch doctors? Should we switch donors? Are we just not destined to be parents? Could we be okay with that? I don't know the answers to these questions...wish I did. Anyway, that's what's going on right now with our process.

 

 This is Jave chiming in before we post this - I am very very emotional today. I keep waivering between hoping for the impossible and just feeling devastated and hurt.  I somewhat succumbed to my negative feelings yesterday - feelings of hating my body for doing something I can't will it to do or questioning if I did everything the exact way I was told to in this cycle. I'm expecting the bad news after my second blood draw Friday, but I hope I'll be able to have closure with all of this when some questions are answered in our post cycle consultation with the RE. I feel a bit lost and speechless. I know closure will come inevitably, and all the gentle condolences from friends and family will resonate in me. I'm trying to keep those kind words in mind today - remembering that things happen for a reason and things will be as they should in the long run.